Carol Larson - textile artist

Just up from the dungeon where I painted the third layer of dye on one piece of cloth and immersed the other in a dye bath of a couple days duration. These two are in progress for the dreaded Quake! deadline of Feb 1. Just as I applied the first dab of the thickened dye which had a mind of it’s own, I felt immediate dread. The oh, rats, I have ruined this for sure dread. Immediately, I changed tools and attitude and following mentor, Anita Luvera Meyer’s favorite expression began to purposefully create more design elements. What I have learned from my dye painting experience, or even immersion dyeing too, is it never looks remotely similar in the end to what it looks like in progress.

While down there creating design elements, it struck me how much this is like my latest passion of screen-printing on top of finished work. The very first layer is often the wrong hue and the dread sets in as to how I have literally in a spontaneous swipe ruined a beautiful piece of art. Then another former mentor Randall Darwall appears, who said if it looks unfinished, add more. These two mentors are both reknowned and accomplished handweavers, and yet their wisdom really applies to any artform and quite possibly to life.

High on my 2009 list AGAIN is to spend more time in my right brain, and less in the left where the dread lives. Because I like to beat the rush (envision the gym in January) yesterday I gave up the Godiva chocolate and today feel quite grand. Similarly I chose to not read the newspaper this morning that hubby dearest shoved under my nose and instead became engrossed in the October issue of a magazine from the stack. You see while I have been wasting so much time on the PC in my left brain, I have neglected worthwhile periodicals patiently waiting on the kitchen table. So another thing on my 2009 list is to spend an least 30 mins a day reading something of value, other than the news on CNN.com. No doubt sometime in the future print on paper will become obsolete.

Many artists on lists these days are fraught with worry about the economy and whether they can sell their art. Worrying about the economy and the ability to sell one’s art is very counterproductive to actually making said art. My theory is this is the time to be making art, so when the economy re-bounds, I will have a great inventory from which to choose. (now just to apply said theory) To worry endlessly about some thing of which we have little control is total left brain activity. No good art came from worry. Worry should not be confused with insanity however! Every one of us can no doubt name some crazy famous artist.

While living in one’s right hemisphere is life’s ideal, I do suppose that some left brain activity is necessary. Otherwise, one might lose one’s sustenance and shelter whilst one is making art.

‘Tis nearly a week later and I am still fighting with the cloth! The hordes have come and gone, the dishes washed again, and again and again…something like 8 loads in 2 days. The laundry is done, all things Christmas down and gone, most of the leftovers eaten, although we both are still hard at work on a two pound box of Godiva chocolate which was a generous hostess gift from my cousin, who never touches it herself. And I who had not consumed nor sniffed sugar or chocolate myself for nearly two years have fallen off the wagon and rolled down the road. Today was going to be the day I regained consciousness, and then after a mile walk in the dank cold morning, I came home and celebrated with two pieces of Godiva. I hate to do it, but it may find itself a new home real soon, especially after just finding buried in the back of the fridge a gallon zip-lok of homemade toffee (grandma’s recipe)

After scraping the gingerbread subdivision glue, aka frosting, off of my print table (lovely texture that dried frosting) and running through the house with a burning sage stick to cleanse the energy,I set about to get on with the next project. Ah yes, the cloth for the Art Cloth Network’s Quake! exhibit. I am beginning to think my contribution to the exhibit might just be in co-writing the proposal.

My husband set up the antique ping pong table which has heard neither a ping nor a pong in three decades. He set it up in the basement at my request, so I can dye-paint an entire piece of fabric at once, instead of having to rotate it every 20 inches or so. And still I am not motivated to go down there (brrr…cold) and start.

In pulling together my goals for 2009, I came across a half-read article about getting one’s act together as an artist. As an organizational fool, I actually already do most things on the list, but one really resonated with me.

Never ever create work for a theme that is not something you were going to create anyway!!! (but phrased better) Well, hello? Yes, how many times I did this for other exhibits, created work for a special theme. Ironically, most of that work has sold! So now, I find myself again in this dilemma with the deadline looming. This work COULD hang in prestigious venues, yes but I would be so much more relaxed if I did not have to create this piece at all.

The bottom line: I am going to try and fool myself. I will go down there to that cold dark dreary (boo hoo) room and create fabulous cloth, AND if it just so happens to work for the Quake! exhibit, then great, and if not, well then it can make another fabulous back for other work. Hmmm… I don’t yet seem convinced. Maybe the guilt trip will work. Why would I want to put so much effort into an exhibit in which I have no work?! Oh yeah, that is far too familiar.

An hour, three layers of thermals & flannels & really thick wool socks later…the first layer of resist for the no-name exhibit is complete. I rewarded myself with another piece of Godiva!

I am fighting with myself today, which just occurred to me is really pre-holiday stress wearing a different disguise. This week my husband and I are hosting 32 on Christmas Eve, daughter and BF overnight, 5 on Christmas Day, then I have the cousin Crab n’ Gab on the 26th and jury duty (for joy!) on the 29th. So basically a lost week. So what am I trying to do? I am trying to force myself to go down to the cold basement and dye some fabric! And self does not want to go!!

The really funny thing about this to me is, it takes about 30 mins to mix/stir the dyepots, manipulate the fabric and immerse, cover and turn off the lights. I could let it sit there till Christmas Eve, if I want. And yet I don’t want to go down there and do it. In fact I could have done it already, had I just done it…already!!!

This reminds me so much of the choices we make as adults. Growing up in an authoritarian household, where I was never allowed to make a decision, much less to state an opinion, I have spent most of my life since, indecisive and insecure in my opinion! And yet I cling to that powerful ability to choose for myself as if it were sacred. At my age and no longer beholden to a paycheck, I can choose most everything I wish to do or wish not to do, in my daily life. Such a blessing. Some things like exercise are chosen so that other things like art-making is of better quality. I cannot make art if I am too weak to stand for hours at my design wall.

To have the choice whether or not to dye fabric, today or any other day is in reality a blessing, not a curse. So why do I fight myself and how much energy do I waste in such indecision?

I think I need a cookie!

One down, four to go! Last night I hosted the neighborhood cookie exchange, with two more events to host, one to attend and jury duty before the year ends. Then I can retreat to my cave, and make art again.

I really have come to cherish my life of isolation and art. A good sage burning after all the holiday energy will indeed clear the air, as I long for my reclusive life again.

The past three cookie exchanges I have neither baked, brought or taken home cookies. Many felt sorry for my spouse and his potential for cookie neglect, but I re-assured them that he knew well the route to the bakery. Yesterday, however, I decided to bake 3 dozen cookies for the swap, figuring that extras would be left here, and I should by all rights contribute.

So I bought butter, brown sugar, white sugar, chocolate chips and made a batch of oatmeal, choc chip, cranberry, pecan cookies. Last year, I had gifted my grown daughter with my Kenwood mixer because she bakes all the time and I don’t anymore. So that was my first challenge to try and mix the dough in the Cuisinart. It worked for the butter/sugars/vanilla/egg but when I added the flour, oatmeal, choc chips, cranberries and pecans, oy vey, it stopped. So I washed my hands (again) and dumped the mixture into a large stainless steel bowl and mixed it all together with my hands. Then I baked them.

Amazingly enough, I did not eat ANY of the dough (a first!) nor any of the cookies. I am allergic to butter and no longer eat sugar as it makes my arthritis worse. At the exchange I prepared a plate of treasure for my husband, and put a bag in the freezer of leftovers. All in all, I was feeling quite proud and disciplined that I was able to make, bake and have cookies in the house without consuming a morsel. Actually my mind set was they were rat poison!

So imagine how distraught I was when I woke this morning with the butter hangover and aching joints from too much sugar!!! I could not believe it. Is it just from having sugar in the house, or having beautiful sugar-laden treats on the table for a couple of hours? I lifted the foil off of hubby’s cookie plate this a.m. (to see how many he had eaten!) and immediately was hit by the smell of sugar. Am I that sensitive that I react by just having it within 10 feet of me?!

My scientific theory is this. When I mixed the buttery, sugary dough with my bare hands, I absorbed it through my skin. The reason I believe this is I know that if textile paint or dye gets on my skin, it is absorbed. If bleach gets on my skin, it is absorbed. So why not butter and sugar? Hell, I should have just eaten the cookies!

The photo is my living room…NOT! It is the great room at Hearst Castle.

Last year a very old friend told me about her aunt being diagnosed with leukemia. Despite a lifetime of complaint-free health, the prognosis was not good. She was just 70 years old when her husband was told to prepare for her death. Her daughters were fraught with anxiety because all along they had “planned” for the father to die first, as he did not know how to take care of himself. It was not in their plan for the Mom to die first, which she eventually did.

This week I had a personal reminder of this story, and how often I plan my own life out, and then I get the big whambo that lands me flat on my back, on ice. Last week I was madly sewing away thinking if I could just finish sewing the three into one large quilt, then I could take it off the wall and get the next one into the design phase so it would be on the wall during the holidays when I am hosting two events.

Additionally, I had planned a weekend trip (last) to celebrate my birthday and attend an art reception. That’s the birthday gal by the pool at Hearst Castle. After my return, I had planned to spend this week cleaning the studio and dye area, straightening, de-cobwebbing, dusting and decorating the house for the first of two parties, which is next week. I had absolutely no plans to be one with an ice pack.

So on Saturday, I picked up my aunt and we headed to the Central Coast to celebrate our 61st birthdays, which are 4 days apart and to de-stress. It was a long drive for me, about 7 hours and my neck was a bit stiff when I got there. Long story short, 3 days, two nights, 800 miles, and yesterday I could not turn my head. When yesterday’s chiro visit created more inflammation, today I went to a new guy (for me) although he reminded me that he had seen me once before when I was 30…many moons ago!

He talked non-stop the entire visit, told me my face was crooked (to which I said that was my haircut!), had an unusual manipulation style accompanied by funny noises (not farts!) and yet whatever voodoo he did, worked. I am almost myself tonight…thus I am sitting in front of the PC undoing that goodness! And soon I should have my life back, and I can get back to making plans, although trying hard once again, not to get too far ahead of myself.

Meanwhile back at the San Luis Obispo Art Center, my work Red Door, Feng Shui was on display along with 8-10 other spectacular fiber art pieces. Additionally there was an exhibit of gorgeous wood turning, mostly vessels. Here I am in the requisite gallery shot. My work looked so outstanding in this gallery!

And the California drought is producing some spectacular clouds and sunsets such as this Pismo Beach beauty.

Rayna Gillman nominated me for the Kreative Blogger Award and additionally said some really nice things about me. So thank you, Rayna. As one who has spent her life being told she was too outspoken, I love how Rayna has framed it, “…find her to be a breath of fresh air. She is quirky, funny, has an edge, and does not mince words.” Is that not so much better than OUTSPOKEN?! Rayna, you rock, girlfriend!

1. The winner may put the logo on her blog. (done)

2. Put a link to the person you got the award from in your blog(done)

3. Nominate 5 blogs.

4. Put links to the blogs. (below)

5. Leave a message for your nominees. (will do)

So I am passing the baton to the following:

Virginia Spiegel who creates amazing art AND unselfishly raises enormous amounts of money for the American Cancer Society

Cathy Ortelle who came back from a stroke with a vengeance and creates amazing art that touches me

Susie Monday who mixes art, wisdom, spirituality and humor into a delicious interesting medley

Cathy Kleeman who thinks just like I do, expecially when it comes to those endless charitable donations aka entry fees

Louise Schiele another artist who does not mince words!

Now that I have finished that, my comments for this day are this. I find it odd that with 24 hour days, year round, the winter days seem shorter. Sure, it gets dark earlier, but not being a morning person anyway, why should that matter? I am not creating artwork outside. I just know that days and weeks whiz by and my intentions are just that. I just can’t seem to get much done! And the really amazing part of that is I don’t really care!!! Ah, middle age, ya’ gotta love it. Had I been this carefree at 20, I would not be retired now!

The quilt I am intending to stitch is one-third of a larger piece. After much thought I decided to stitch it in three sections and then sew them together and blind seam the back. Originally, I was going to do a tryptch but then remembered that the photographer would charge me for 3 quilts. My inner tightwad kicked in so I decided to sew the three into one. This is another for the Tall Girl Series which is headed for completion in early 2009, which with these very short days will be here before we know it.

And then there is that Quake piece in my head…another intention!