Carol Larson - textile artist

After lying awake for two hours, I got up this morning at 6. A lot of people get up every morning at 6 but I am not one of them. I am one of those who needs a good solid 8 hours and preferably more. My body needs a lot more rest than most.

I got up with the intention of doing my PowerPoint homework. In a moment of total insanity I registered in September for an online course through the local community college. When the fall class schedule arrives each year, my inner kid dances with anticipation of going back to school. It must have something to do with fashion, because it has absolutely nothing to do with academics!

While I am a pretty smart cookie, I am an idiot when it comes to education. As a kid I always thought I was just stupid, until I grew up and went out into the world and met really stupid people!!! My Dad graduated Stanford with honors and continually reminded me of it, particularly as I struggled with homework. It wasn’t until I was about 40 that I found out I was a visual learner, and then I really got it that I was possibly brilliant, but just a lousy student. So why I keep trying to shove that square peg into that round hole is beyond me.

For weeks I have been putting off doing my Powerpoint homework. When I actually do it, it is an easy course. Part of the problem is we skipped the middle three chapters of the book. The other part for me, is that there is a book, at all.

I learned HTML and Dreamweaver for designing my website both in online classes through the same college. The difference? The lessons were on DVD, so there was this nice lady speaking to me in soothing tones while I did the hands on learning. This class, while taught by a guy I know, who has a nice voice, is all book learning. And my old brain just fries every time I sit down to learn it. The only way I am going to seriously learn this is by trial and error, not by assignments and tests.

So the wisdom came with the sunrise. Surrender, and do it properly. Resign from the class, and eat some humble pie with my friend, the instructor. It is not the end of the world and most certainly will ease the stress my body already feels as of late.

When I was a kid, my Dad always called me a quitter. I used to think that was a very bad thing, until I quit smoking over 25 years ago, and I quit eating foods that make me sick, and I started quitting (oxymoron?) things that cause me stress. I don’t think it is so much about being a quitter as surrendering. It is having the sense to stop torturing oneself and get back to what’s really important in life, like my passion for art-making.

So here I sit again, another day in front of the PC. I recognize that now, I am fully entrenched into my former lifeforce, that of a workaholic. I made major changes to my personal work style when I was still being paid to work; in that I actually gave my employer what he was paying for, rather than that plus 110%.

Now that I am a trusty volunteer, I carefully consider each new challenge. I weigh what is in it for me vs. how much I need to do for them. I consider the wise words of friends who have also struggled with the ballooning volunteer gig. How much am I willing to do to make others look good?

I knew I was in trouble when the resentment kicked in and I started screaming at my husband when he asked for the service contract for the furnace we bought last year. I was a raving lunatic as I shuffled through yet more paperwork to find the damn thing. Why do I have to be in charge of everything, I muttered? Well, probably because I have always insisted on it!

Now that the correspondence load has greatly lightened on the exhibit I am curating, and the tail end of entries are trickling in for the exhibit on which I am doing the data entry, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I fantasize about actually getting into the studio and doing something, even if it is just cleaning it! And yet I am immobilized. I have sat at this computer, for most of the past two days, when actually all the exhibit paperwork is caught up. I have my own paperwork, and I think every day that I am going to do that, but in reality all I did was write a sympathy card and answer e-mail.

So then I realize that I have fully entrenched myself in my left brain AGAIN, and it is going to take some heavy duty breathing to get out of it. I also realized and recognized yet again that this is what I do. I take on projects because I am stimulated by the newness of them. There is nothing wrong with that. Where it goes wrong is when it takes over my life, my so-called reformed needs, to be in control of something and serves as a complete distraction from making my art.

The cathartic moment for me this week was when I realized that if I were to continue working this hard, I should get a paying job. I retired a decade ago, so that I could live life on my terms. Where did that go?

In my next life, I plan to be a dog. They got it figured out… And no, I don’t dress up my dogs. This was taken at my daughter’s house!

We returned yesterday from a quick trip to Vegas… actually the best kind of trip to Vegas. When I was younger I liked it, all the action, the lights, the sin, whatever. As I have matured, a little Vegas goes a long way. I live a fairly consistent quiet life. There is just too much audio and visual stimulation for this old gal.

We had tickets to see The Divine Ms. M. or as she now calls herself the people’s diva……..Bette Midler at Caesar’s Palace. Her show was absolutely fabulous, chock full of favorite music and her dry wit. We had super seats with a clear center view…as clear as 60 yr old eyes with glasses can be. She was so entertaining that I bought the CD and the t-shirt!

When I booked the air and hotel together as a package, I vacillated about the room, as if I were buying it, instead of just sleeping there two nights. When we arrived the desk agent asked if I wanted an upgrade to a suite for a paltry $80 more per night. I flagged as he kept trying to sell me on it, talking about the square footage and the jacuzzi tub with a separate living area. It was bigger than my sister’s condo! I held my ground. So when we to our room on the 19th floor were we surprised that it was already huge and fabulous, without the $160 upgrade.

One of the finest features was this TV in the bathroom mirror! Now Pollyanna thought for a moment maybe it was some sort of big brother operation to spy on customers in the loo, until she saw the controls on the wall, looking a bit like a thermostat. So she watched part of the debate while applying her war makeup for the theatre!

We took a prop plane from our regional airport direct to Lost Wages. And being the artist, I was clicking away taking all sorts of shots from the back window. Between the window being severely scratched, the fires in LA polluting the atmosphere and my turquoise shirt reflecting in the glass, I did not get many great images but a few for inspiration of shapes and shadows. I just love this neon blur, which was a total mistake!

Having spent most, if not all, of the past 7 days in this chair in front of this screen, it was early that I opened the email. Virginia Spiegel was asking for an image of the piece (shown here) that I am donating to the 2009 FiberArts for a Cause Fundraiser to benefit the American Cancer Society. So being the overachiever that I am, and seriously looking for a distraction from the Points of View notification letters and the Transformations entries, I just sent that image and info right back. Today, she e-mailed that my image is up on the site
and something about being the early bird.

This is a reverse auction fundraiser with all the money going to the ACS. All the work is offered at a really high price (triple retail) the first day and drops in price until someone buys it…please! I was honored to be invited to donate in 2007 right after I sold 5 pieces of work to the Irvine Foundation. So other than list it on my web resume, I have kept my mouth shut, but that will change as March draws closer. I can really blab when I need to.

On Friday the Points of View notification emails went out. All together there were 170. The response has been quite interesting!!! (nice word). The accepted PoVr’s all love me and I am their new BF. The declined are mostly kind although a few actually blame me that their work was not chosen. And some of the disqualified blame the entry form, which they clearly did not read. Talk about killing the messenger.

And while I am not the mamby-pamby I was at twenty, I certainly would not argue with a rejection letter. In the overall scheme of things, it really is small potatoes. Of course I need to remind myself of that when these folks come at me!!!

I am simultaneously doing the data entry for Transformations, another exhibit, the deadline of which is thankfully this week. Nearly 20% of those entries are incomplete. Is anybody reading anything anymore?

And somewhere off in the distance is my studio serenading me. November 1st is looking mighty good at this point. It is incredible for this prolific artist but I have had a finished design on the wall since August, just begging for stitch.

There is only one thing worse than getting a rejection letter from an exhibit. I now know what THAT is. It is writing them! I am knee deep in rejection letters saved to the drafts folder, so they will all go out universally and upset everyone on the same day. As if the floundering financial market is not upset enough…

One of my duties as curator for the 2009 Points of View exhibit for SAQA, is to inform the artists one of three things: their work was chosen for the exhibit (yeah!), their work was not chosen (nay!) or their work was disqualified (boo hiss). I am about half way through the declines, which means I have about 80 more to go. Then I have the 30 happy letters to compose. Whatever would we do without cut and paste?!

It is interesting to me though how cutting and pasting one after another tends to grate on me after a while. I keep taking breaks. Today I took a movie break and shortly I am taking a SNL break. How much bad news can a person shovel in a day?!

The image is the detail of Breaking News. It seemed appropriate for this post.

It seems that vacations are ALWAYS followed by stress, as well as preceded by it! When I was a working for pay, I always noticed the short amount of time for re-entry, from fully relaxed to fully engaged after a vacation. Usually it was the accumulation of mail that brought me back to reality. It’s a challenge to feel relaxed after reviewing a week’s worth of joy delivered by Uncle Sam.

So I came back from this wonderful trip to St. Louis to a literal desktop of joy! The juror’s choices are in from an exhibit I am curating, so there are many spreadsheets to be copied and altered; artists to be notified of their status. Then there is the other SAQA exhibit for which I am the entry admin person, so there are those entries which accumulated to enter in the database. The deadline for that is during my next getaway, but before the artists in the previous exhibit need to be notified!

I feel all this volunteerism is good for the artistic community and for my soul, but right now I am re-thinking this a bit. Maybe a gig volunteering with people outside of my home, independent of the computer, with no homework is a much better idea!

Additionally, there are calls for entry for my own work and paperwork with which to deal. And the online computer class I am taking that has to be completed by November 8th. So why am I blogging? Can you spell procrastination?!

While I am a recovering workaholic, I do have a tendency to get wrapped up in projects, which keep me from fretting over my own work. I continue to remind myself this is a volunteer gig and feel the need for more goal setting.

Of course, the irony is the epiphany I had about my own work while on a non-art vacation. No doubt it is like meeting Mr. Right when not looking for him. Not being engaged in art, and being relaxed can bring great clarity to one’s art direction. For now, I just put it in writing, as it is clear it will be weeks before I can indulge in my passion once again!

Oh, and did I mention the 380 digital images that need to be re-sized in PhotoShop? Oh joy!