Carol Larson - textile artist

Usually my work travels far more than I do. I have seen 98% of the US States, including Alaska and Hawaii; and 6% of the World. There is actually a website where one can tabulate this trivia. I don’t happen to know the URL. And I don’t know that the information is good for anything except when someone asks you if you have ever been to Kentucky, or North Dakota or Connecticut?!

The 2% of the US I have missed is: Michigan, Wisconsin, Alabama (I had my chance this year and blew it!), Mississippi, Georgia and Louisiana. I was headed to N’Orleans last year but after Katrina, decided if I really wanted to smell mildew, I just could go down to the basement!

We may well see the remaining 2% after our trip to Scandanavia, next month. More and more, my dear husband is saying he hates to fly, it is not fun anymore, which really shows how infrequently he does fly. It has not been fun for probably twenty years!

Although I could write an entire post on seeing the USA in my (not) Chevrolet, I digress.

Next month I am traveling with my artwork to Finland. I am taking these two pieces. This idea of taking the work with me is to avoid astronomical shipping rates and custom fees. Instead I am packing them in a short tube, within my luggage, ready to overnight mail to the gallery the moment my feet touch Finnish soil.

Already I am imagining this tube in my luggage is not going to win me any favor with those who already consider me a terrorist! I STILL have received no official notification that I have been cleared from the list and after four phone calls and countless e-mails, I have given up. I KNOW I am not a terrorist. Beyond that, there is nothing I can do.

All I can do is go to the airport, presume eventually they will allow me on the plane and go off and have a great adventure, just me and my art in Finland!

It is pretty tough to live green if you have any sort of technology in your house. And one would presume you do if you are reading this. I like to think that I live a ‘tidy’ life. I take up no more space than I need.

I don’t drive a Hummer, or even a SUV (yet). I recycle about 90% of the weekly garbage as well as keeping a can of gnarly vegetable skins and peelings on the kitchen counter for composting.

And yet in Sunday’s paper, there was a list of things we can do as individuals to save the planet and I hardly do anything on this list! I couldn’t believe it. I leave my computer all on day long, in standby mode, as it uses less electricity but apparently, it is giving off carbons into the atmosphere.

And with all the technology comes all the cords to keep it functioning, and all of these cords are bad jazz for the environment. I unplug every charging cord after charging, but I don’t unplug the TV or the PC at night. Yikes.

I could counter that argument though with the fact that EVERYDAY should be EARTH DAY and not just one Sunday in April. If we honor the planet only one day a year, I scarcely believe it is going to benefit the future inhabitants.

So back to cords. I am astonished now when I look at my desk and see all these cords! Every new piece of technology comes with at least one and possibly two cords! There is the cord to download images from the camera to the PC and the cord to listen to the music on the iPod, the cord to charge the iPod in the car and the cord to charge the iPod in the house. There is the cord to charge the bluetooth headset which as of now, still is not recognized by the phone. And there is the cord to charge the phone, after I complete 895 games of bubble breaker which deplete the battery.

My grandmother was born on a farm in Iowa in 1902 and grew up with no electricity. By the time she died in the late ’80s, computers were running the world. What a huge expanse of progress in her lifetime.

When I look at my life with the latest toys, that all require electricity to function, I wonder have we really made progress? Progress will be when some geek invents one cord to power the universe.

I have been walking a fine line this past week. The line between addictive behavior and being centered. It is a bit entertaining to me how refined the line has become over the years. (I know I have lost half of you already!)

When I was a workaholic, I didn’t know this kind of balance. But since I have been retired nearly 9 years, I have come to love the tranquility of a life well lived.

The past week I have been pretty much on overdrive. Not to the point when I ran into things but to the point that I was aware how distracted I was.

In addition to preparing myself physically and mentally for my upcoming trip abroad, I was starting to get a bit obsessive and squirrely as I am wont to do before a big trip. So I decided to distract myself!

I volunteered to organize spreadsheets of travel information for the 7 CFA members going to the symposium in Finland. And I took on the maintanence of the CFA website. I was a bit apprehensive in doing so, unsure of my total grasp of the software. But Dreamweaver is pretty flexible and I managed to plow my way through and absolutely love the results! Fortunately, I had good instruction on changes to be made, and I agreed with all of them.

So all of this kept my hands and mind occupied this past week, so as to not focus on the uncertainty of the upcoming trip. What also happened is I got inspired to rebuild my own website. Instead of diving right in, I sketched out what I want to do.

Now, I need to get back to doing some of my own work. I have two pieces of art cloth underway for an exhibit, that needs images sent before I leave. I am painting another denim jacket. I have a new piece of work on the machine. And I have ideas, ideas, ideas. Oh and my knitting beckons…

These people who say they could never retire because they don’t knit, just don’t know what they are missing!

When I was a working stiff I lived in the land of adrenaline 24/7. I feel that is largely responsible for my not having excessive energy any longer. I simply wore myself out.

This past week I have largely resided there again, but by choice. I had a “free” week with no appointments, have to’s (except exercise) or lunch dates. So I decided to make something of it. I had a stack of art exhibit CFEs and prospectus (prospecti, my hubby would say); a local artist registry to complete; paperwork, etc. I aced the entire pile, well, except for two; one of which requires I still make the work!

I also acquired and have been on a learning curve with a Blackjack PDA. It is fabulous and other than wasting time playing a silly game on it, I think it will be a good tool to have.

So while it has been good for me to occupy that workaholic zone, I am close to needing to leave it again! It no longer is my comfort zone and for that I am so grateful. I am ready to get back and dye-paint. I have had on my grubbies for two days now thinking TODAY is the day that would happen. It really is going to be today and if not, tomorrow! And I am ready to get back to the machine, as I have a new work in progress.

Y’day I had a spontaneous lunch date with an old friend whose husband is disabled. I could tell by the tone of her voice on the phone that she meant TODAY and not next Thursday when she asked me to lunch. So I changed out of my grubbies, cleaned up and went to lunch.

Because her caregiving is taking up most of her time and energy, she seldom has time to sew anymore. She makes GORGEOUS contemporary quilts…she definitely has the gift! So coming from her this was quite a compliment when she said she has followed my work from my website. And that she believes my work is more orderly now.

Well of course that made me flinch. Orderly? E-Gads…I don’t want to be orderly, I want to be free, was what I was thinking! I must have reacted, because she said, well, that is not a bad thing. I just don’t know any other way to say it but your more recent work shows much growth and orderliness!

I came home and pulled up my website and thought…OH, she must mean these two pieces (Farmlands and Ritual) which both are fairly orderly. I asked her, if that is what she meant and she said NO! Later I looked again, and wow, I think I got it. And I can’t describe it either!!!

It seems the more recent work has a focus to it which I guess is a good thing. I do know, however, that none of my older work is on my website, because while I loved it at the time, I don’t think it represents my work today. So maybe it is partly that.

Who knows? I do know I am ready to get back into the creative side of my life, and brain.

Today, as reward for a recent sale, I went out and bought a Blackjack! I have been coveting a PDA for quite awhile, but being retired and all, I couldn’t quite justify to myself why I needed it. Then I got it, that I don’t have to justify anything. That lesson has only taken me 59 years and 4 months!

And besides, I do have a really great reason! I am Europe-bound next month with hubby dearest. We will travel independently for five days and then meet up with some of the CFA gang in Finland.

For the trip, I have made all kinds of reservations online…boats, trains, planes and hotels. Each one comes fully equipped with at least 3 pages of legal-ese in addition to the confirmation number. Even with the copies reduced on the copier, it was a fat notebook I was going to have to haul around with all the appropriate paperwork. So now I can move all the files onto the PDA, and just hope to hell I don’t lose it!

Now I am a fairly tech saavy person. I can wing my way through most anything computer related and yet what I don’t know could also fill the guest room! So while I spent most of this afternoon learning the new “equipment”, reading the manual, studying the online tutorial and getting hopelessly stuck a number of times, I was essentially creating stress in my life, where previously there was none!

That was not enough, though. Additionally, I began to multi-task, making dinner while I used the tutorial, and making changes to the CFA website for a member who had to have it done today, even though she has had since March 15 to make the changes!

Try as I might, I got stuck on inserting one lousy column and I could get it everywhere but where I wanted it. Finally, I succumbed to dinner and watching Dancing With the Stars! Those 90 mins of mindless TV gave me just the break I needed in Dreamweaver. I went right in and inserted the column just where it needed to be and voila! that techie task was through.

Now, I am back to the Blackjack and the steep learning curve. Like why does it keep calling someone who I have deleted from the call list? While my daughter could answer any of this, she lives 45 mins away, so I am also making a list of questions to take to my 30 yr old neighbor. Thirty year olds…everyone should know one!

My mind works in mysterious ways. I can take a basic concept and because I am a visual learner turn it inside out to not only understand it, but to remember it. My latest example…talk to the duck!

Having been raised in a very authoritarian family, where we were encouraged to have a strong mind but never to use it, early on I became quite susceptible to the opinions of others. And being a highly sensitive character, that just added spice to the soup. Only with age, have I developed some hide and no longer react to everything anyone says to me. Being sensitive is really such a gift, but can also be a great curse.

Recently, I have been learning new techniques in ‘protecting’ myself from the wisdom of well-meaning folks. I have struggled mightily with these concepts, often forgetting to employ them or forgetting them entirely. Until today, a healer phrased it in a picture and I got it.

She told me of a Jungian lesson she had heard. Rather than absorbing the critique, wisdom, judgement or just plain garbage in the world, just duck. Duck down and let it fly right over your head!

Of course my visual mind took it one step further. Maybe it was because just last week I was engrossed in the film “Winged Migration.” (I was not engrossed in the ducks and geese so much as the scenery.)

When I heard this Jungian lesson, immediately I thought DUCK! Not take cover and duck, but duck duck. Like Donald. Well, not Donald exactly or Daffy but the green-necked ducks who swim in our city pond. That kind of duck. And not only did I think of a breathing duck, but I thought of pulling this duck out of my pocket and holding it at arm’s length, as in TALK TO THE DUCK!

The strange thing about this is I am clueless where the most annoying TALK TO THE HAND phrase came from. But I sure like TALK TO THE DUCK. I think I will use it until I built up enough knee strength to actually duck without falling over!

Yikes, it does appear it would be a good time to return to the studio. The creative muse is taking flight…quack.

Is that all there is? How I hated that song…

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I needed to stall the Tall Girl project until further notice. Without going into all the gory details, suffice it to say it was in my best interest to not go public with this work, at this time. This has left me, in limbo.

Being wrapped up in writing the book, and making the art, I had a goal. I had purpose. My life had meaning. I stopped and again I am floundering.

The book was nearly complete and saved to a memory stick. The artwork was still in process. Do I want to keep on making it, or do I want to showcase some of the work now, or what? So, I just did other work; work with deadlines and sewed some clothes, and have just ignored it for weeks.

It is also difficult emotionally to continue work on it. I feel I have worked 95% of my grief out and yet when I proofread, or re-write chapters, I am immersed again in the emotion. It is really nice to have a break from that.

Which leads me to the ongoing dilemma in my artistic career! What is it I do want to do? Is that not the question of all life? What do I want to do? What do I want?

Well, I could teach (what?) or I could write a book, (on what subject that has not been covered?!) I could market myself, ad nauseum.

I joined SAQA and CFA to grow as an artist, to get my work out into the world without having to do the awful thing I hate, marketing myself. Suddenly, I realize how much of my time and energy I am giving away to, in effect, market SAQA, instead of my own work. But it is what I know how to do, and it is really a safe place for me to do it.

As a working woman, I managed a medical practice for nearly 20 years, while simultaneously owning a mail order yarn business, raising a child and husband! ..Oh and I almost forgot we had a litter of 10 dalmatians running around; and I was caregiver for my boss when he died of cancer. I could do it all and more. I was exhausted and stressed and I choose to not live like that anymore. I may have simply worn myself out.

I know who I am, I know what my gifts are. What do I still have to prove? Are those who are out there hustling and getting those plum opportunities, are they also seeking more than just the art project? Or am I just rationalizing?

My sense is what I am doing at this every moment is what I am supposed to be doing. I enjoy my life. My job is to exercise and move my body everyday; not to be a rock star hard-body but to keep mobility and to make art. And to do the spiritual growth that allows me to make the artwork and keeps me thriving.

Is this not enough? I wonder how much of my challenge is rooted in familial expectations. I come from a family of highly educated, and hard-working people. They have no personality nor zest for living, but gosh darn they are making the big bucks, have the big houses and drive the latest car, and by societal standards, they are , successful!

I chose a different path. I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to retire at 50. For a long time, my father kept asking me what I was going to do next? Finally I responded, I was going to become the world’s most famous quilter! He stopped asking.

My ongoing personal challenge is to stop feeling like I have failed because I have done nothing with my ‘art career.’

I still don’t know what I want to do. And maybe, just maybe that is the answer. Maybe, just maybe, I am doing it…whatever it is!

My plan, all along has been to just make the art. I have been told I could do so much better. Better than what?

Or am I just rationalizing too much?!

I envision getting the answer one minute before I lay down and die. I believe this is my life’s work.