Archive for the ‘wisdom’ Category

chaos and gel medium…

Sunday, March 31st, 2013

 

collage-messNever one to hesitate long about my next project… currently I have four waiting patiently in the back of my mind. And yet I decided to tackle right now, this week, this day… an altered book homage to my late parents.

I knew instantly which book to use for the base and that was my mother’s treasured book of etiquette. It was also the bane of my childhood existence for never was any question of impropriety ever answered without referring to what ‘Amy Vanderbilt has to say about that!’  A large part of my decision to do this now is  to seek closure on several sad events of last year. What better way to honor my parents and their life together than to gel medium it all into one sparkly volume?!

As if I did not have enough materials of my own last summer my sister graciously brought me a grocery bag full of photos of Dad. Yikes! Many were duplicates of what I already had. Photos of my youth, and his, as he was just 24 when I was born. Photos of my daughter’s youth which had been shared with the grandparents and had now returned home to their twin in my closet. As I began to fill up empty drawers  (out of sight, out of mind) with various photographs, paperwork, memorabilia it was easier and easier to pretend it was not there. Until I opened the drawers looking for something else and yikes… this deluge of paper does not agree with my feng shui sensibility!

The first step was to sort the photos by family, Dad, Mom, his siblings and parents, her siblings and parents, me, my sisters, our spouses and my daughter the token grandchild. This felt like an awesome accomplishment for maybe 24 hours. The next time I opened the drawer I still found photos but separated into manila envelopes by family. Big fat, bulging manila envelopes. OK, so not a super solution.  The idea of doing the altered book came to me recently and in the past week I determined I need to do this now so I can clear the unused materials out of my office and my psyche.

Today I prepped two pieces of work to ship tomorrow and then cleared off my design table. Hubby brought me a 3 ft stool from the basement so I could sit while tackling this awesome task. I got out all my tools, small cutting mat (which is odd since I am already working on a 4′ x 8′ mat!) exacto knife, gel medium, brushes, wax paper and heavy books to weigh down drying, glued objects. Then I hauled all the ingredients into the studio, photos, papers, etc.

I further sorted as to timeline. I was all set to start but nothing was happening. How could I start at the beginning? Why can’t I start in the middle? I was overwhelmed by beginning. So I turned on the TV as distraction and found endless Oprah wisdom on spirituality on the OWN channel. I especially loved the ‘man of God’ saying we need not be in church on Sunday morning. We may indeed be involved in spiritual growth elsewhere. Well yes as a matter of fact I am…

I cut, glued, pressed, stitched, glued and weighted. I started at the beginning and then skipped some pages. Eventually I leaned into it and while other pages were drying I made individual collages which later when dry and flat can be cut and glued in place. Ah yes, this really got the juices flowing because there is no structure, no order, no perfect arrangement just cut and paste. After several hours that just zipped by the piles were now well enmeshed into each other. The timeline was becoming more muted and I decided to take a short break at the computer. And then the strangest thing happened.  I lost the TV remote.

Under piles of countless black and white photos of me with my chubby legs and sunbonnet, Dad in his Army uniform and Mom walking the dog, handwritten notes and biographies, negatives and positives, postcards, wedding announcements, photos on Santa’s knee, buttons, snaps, yarn and conference pins I had misplaced the remote. I don’t know why but this gave me the greatest chuckle as if the remote were to be a part of the collage.

Let alone the irony of creating chaos in pursuit of orderliness. Hmmm…wonder what Amy Vanderbilt would say about that?

 

 

life happens while making other plans…

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

jellies-bk Creative interruptions have been happening at lightening pace.  While I am drawn to writing as an emotional release publishing it to the web has not been a priority so I’ve been blog-tardy.

The Universe has such an incredible sense of humor and keeps piling on the challenges. I continue to try and right the ship which is  not so much about control but rather trying to eek out  creative time to maintain  sanity.  For it is the FUN part  that  sustains me through the rough waters.  And although I have several pieces to make for exhibits it is feeling a whole lot like ‘surrender Dorothy.’  Perhaps once again the message is to schedule time for art. Write it on the calendar and make that my priority.

Years ago I was primary caregiver for a man dying of brain cancer. I was also 16 years younger!  I wore many hats simultaneously and all of them well  despite letting  go of two priorities  in my own life…eating well and exercise.  I gained 15 pounds and could hardly lift my body weight. He died and I had to rebuild my own health.

This round there is no brain cancer but rather a  spouse with a myriad of health issues that require my constant attention.  I see how I need to be more flexible in my interactions with him…after 42 years of marriage. And it frustrates me no end! Surrender Dorothy!  Yet my priorities to eat well and work out everyday remain intact because I need to be as physically strong as I can to carry me through this next chapter. I am indeed older and wiser.

I have always believed that if one pays attention their intuitive mind will tell them what they need to know.  For decades I have ignored the nudge  to interview elders about their life stories. Everyone has a story, everyone has had  hardship. Everyone has ‘something.’   When I was in my 40′s I thought it would be good to volunteer at an assisted living facility so I could interview old people. I never did.

Then my own father lived in such a facility for the last two years of his life and it was far less appealing. Most of the residents were out to lunch. There was no pull for me to do this work there;  more likely it was just ‘too close.’

Now it feels more important than ever that I heed this calling. If for no other reason than to see that others have had equally as challenging lives as this one has been. If I can just see clear to do it now…

 

at the intersection of joy and sorrow…

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013

I finally finished the piece which has taken me a record 3 months to design. It is done but I still am not feeling the love!  It certainly is a visual metaphor for my life these past months.  I am awash with entanglement-Draw emotion as I process the summer passing of my elderly father and look to the long road ahead of a spouse with chronic illness.

This piece was created for an exhibit so I can only share the detail now. I titled it appropriately enough Entanglement as my inspiration seemingly changed throughout the process. In the end it became a piece about the intersection of joy and sorrow.

The muse is semi active and while I have two projects with deadlines later this year I may just take a break and do other ‘creative’ things! I’ve had the urge to purge all month so this might be a good time to sort through boxes and drawers and albums of photos and all those seemingly important wedding & birth announcements to digitize.  It is odd really the stuff we keep but then never look at again; and yet can I throw it out? No, I have to digitize!

Meanwhile hubby is cleaning out the basement and last week took 10 pieces of luggage to the Goodwill. The intake person was thrilled with the ‘vintage’ American Tourister luggage which took me to college and back many times over, many years ago.  The outside was travel weary and the inside brocade still pristine. Who knew this would be considered a treasure?!

I also have my eye on my wedding dress in a trunk in the attic. I envision dyeing, painting and designing new work with it. Shockingly it has been in storage for nearly 42 years…along with the announcements!

Years ago a hospice nurse told me that grieving is highly creative. I certainly have to believe it now. Where I go with all of this remains a work in progress.

lessons learned on vacation…

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013

In July as I was headed into surgery for my 2nd knee replacement I booked a trip to Phoenix for New Years. My theory was the trip would serve as a goal and it did. Up until three weeks before departure I was still pondering if I was strong encactus-shadowough yet to travel. Finally I decided there would always be a FIRST trip so why not now? So we went, I did fine physically and learned I was much stronger and had better stamina than I had thought. First lesson.

We took a Road Scholar program which we have done many times before. After 40+ years of marriage we have talked about just about everything and several things many times over. Road Scholar gives us the chance to explore an area, meet interesting people and talk about something other than the economy, the kid, and the dog!

Primarily I chose this program because the activity level was rated EASY. It turned out not to be EASY at all as it required a lot of walking but I did learn that EASY actually means ‘must have a pulse.’  There were many in our huge group who barely qualified and of those nearly every one was a complainer.  Never in my life have I heard so much whining!  A small group of us younger seniors stuck together for stimulation and survival.  Lessons learned: avoid the EASY programs. Also maintaining optimism as we grow is crucial to aging well.

Despite the whining there were wonderful parts to the program. A visit to the desert botanical gardens included two incredible art exhibits amongst the plants.

The Four Seasons bbotanical-facey Philip Haas featured 15′ tall sculptures of fruit, vegetables and plant foliage. Awesome!

Also the innovative sculptures of Carolina Escobar wrapped around and through cactus and other plants  throughout the gardbotanical-scultpureens.

 

 

 

The Phoenix Symphony on NY Eve was such an incredible treat. I was so inspired that I bought tickets for our regional symphony next week. I have been thinking about going to the symphony for a really long time.  I have no idea what stopped me before because the right time is now!

We also sat through two lectures on the anatomy and function of the violin and the trumpet. It was everything I could do to stay awake and having sacrificed the Rose Parade to learn about trumpeting made it all the more painful. Lessflw-homeon learned: I don’t really care how that horn was made just blow it already!

This program like the one last spring in Texas we learned about storytelling. We all have a story. We should all be telling it!  Unforgettable!

We toured the Phoenix Art Museum and the beautiful Heard Museum and again I learned I am a visual learner. I just want to see it with my eyes. I don’t care much to read about it.

Two more great experiences were to visit Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West…aka his home in Scottsdale.  It was a textural and pattern junkie’s delight and I shot many images there. And the fabulous interior of the Arizona Biltmore Hotel with its collection of Navajo rugs…stunning!

While I was very tempted to buy two gorgeousblue-poinsettia art pieces  in Scottsdale I bought nothing but a FLW inspired fridge magnet!  Between cleaning out my father’s things,  having the urge to purge my own and starting a new life chapter I just did not want anything bad enough to bring it home. Lesson learned: I have enough. Possibly the best lesson of all: to experience life without having to possess it.

Got blue poinsettia?

It was good to have a change of scenery and great now to be home and in the studio once again.

singing cloth…

Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

Long ago a very wise woman and fellow artist suggested keeping a work in progress any time there would be a studio interruption due to travel, illness, or whatever.  I have done that ever since and it is brilliant as I can just pick up where I left off.

So I am making progress, day by day, an hour at a time on my latest work. Seldom do I sketch a design.  Yet on this piece I did a free-hand sketch inspired by some Googled images. Then I colored in with pencils, enlarged the design, and traced it onto acetate. I slapped that on the overhead projector and drew the design on freezer paper.  That was all in July before I had my 2nd knee replaced. It has been staring at me from the design wall ever since.

Last fall when I had my first knee replaced I did the same thing. For that piece I screen-printed imagery on a woven cotton tablecloth with metallic threads. I had an idea in my head of what I wanted to design for an exhibit. The cloth and the design hung on the wall for at least 3 months until I was able to stand for short periods of time and design. What happened in that 3 months time is I changed my mind.  In the end the design of Keeping Up Appearances #5 was nothing like my original idea and plan!  And yet I loved how it turned out.

So it has happened again. My original sketch and pattern lie beneath the piece actually being constructed. I am not ready to show it publicly just yet but clearly it has a mind of its own. And I honor that. After all who am I to tell fabric what it wants to be?!

I really do like the idea of letting the cloth speak. After all that is what happens in my wet studio of surface design. I keep working the fabric until it sings.

tallgirl unchained…

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

It’s been suggested to me a couple times that I may want to continue on with my Tall Girl Series: A Body of Work. The series was a healing project in which I found my voice and released a very old harrowing tale from my body and the imprisonment of my mind.  It took me four years to complete the work and even when I was finished I was unsure if I was actually done!  As I continue to live in the body that was surgically reworked I continue to come across other adaptations I  might need to address as the story evolves.

The most recent of these is the two knee replacements of the past 14 months.  Although it didn’t seem like it at the time I skated through the rehabilitation process of my right knee in October 2011. Fast forward nine months and the left was replaced.  I was overjoyed as I thought these final two surgeries would change my life forever;  probably not unlike my parents’ hope for the original shortening surgeries.

The nearly five months since the second knee replacement has been perhaps the most challenging time since the original mid-century tall girl surgeries.  I just assumed I would be stronger and have increased mobility with no  limitation. Instead I traded one set of issues for another due to life-long weakness.

Recognizing that PT was going to take me only so far despite ongoing weakness I recently began working with a personal trainer. She is fantastic, patient and encouraging. Her background is in dance  and she is teaching me how to function in my body. I don’t recall that I ever have learned function. I learned only coping mechanisms. I learned to walk any way I could so to get out of the house at age 18 when stuck in a wheelchair. I learned how to fall down and get up the easiest way. Easy is not always functional.  So now I am learning these new ways to function with symmetry in this body. Talk about old dogs learning new tricks!

Twenty years ago when my knees began to break down the concession I made with myself was that my body is broken and I would do whatever I could to maintain mobility given the limitations.  It felt like a gift to honor myself so.  Now I am reprogramming my brain to envision a fully functioning and properly aligned body.

That which initially felt like a gift is now instead a  HUGE burden, a heavy pack I have been carrying for most of the past  two decades when the debilitation began. As a result of ‘completion’ of the  tallgirl series  I have accepted the choices made, the surgeries conceived and carried out, the long rehabilitation, the concessions of  ‘good enough’ and the acceptance of my physical and mobility limitations. Now I believe the time has come to let go of all of that. It is a new chapter.

The day after my first knee replacement when I was on morphine I had a dream of a jail cell being unlocked and the door left ajar. It was not lost on me even in a stupor how significant that image was.  Today I really get it. What once comforted me in my disability now is stifling.

I do believe there is a new chapter for the Tall Girl Series… on acquiring a new sense of self within this body.  It may always be (surgically) broken but no longer has to cripple my mind.

 

back in the saddle…

Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Last week I began to work with a personal trainer to build muscles and strength that I have neither had nor used in almost five decades. Immediately I felt empowered by what I actually can do and that I  ‘exceeded expectations for your age.’

This was especially gratifying to hear as I rapidly approach the birthday classified as “elderly!” Aging is not challenging enough but then statisticians have to label you. I think of ‘elderly’ as twenty years older than I am, thank you so much!    It was good to hear that my simultaneous talking  while walking on the treadmill was beyond what they expect for a woman my age.  Within a day or two that empowerment still resting in my cells activated my creativity.

As I have been processing all the stressful personal events of this year my creative well has just felt barren.   A month ago I tried  ‘therapy sewing’ as my friend Rayna Gillman calls it. At the time it didn’t feel too therapeutic but rather a tad tortuous. Clearly I wasn’t ready then.

Yet after feeling empowered by my body and trainer I began to think more about getting back to work. I knew I could stand and sit and stand and sit and stand and sit over and over again. So I went in and began to work on a piece that has been staring at me for nearly 5 months.  The colors are  glorious blues and greens…no sorry for your loss browns and blacks! I was able to work two hours before my knees said uncle. Ah progress.

So I have been back twice since. I occasionally find a little pull to check my email or Facebook while there which is really just the addictive part of spending the past five months online.

And I had a good chuckle this afternoon when my body was saying let’s stop for now…after all I had an hour with the trainer AND the chiropractor today so my bod is a tad tired. But I pressed on (no pun intended) until I made a stupid mistake.  I had just pieced in a patch between strips and then took it to the table to cut the new curve and basically cut what I had just seamed!

All the same it feels great to be back in the saddle…

writing the bones…

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

As I continue to process my father’s recent death, my rehabilitation from two major surgeries in the past 13 months and my husband’s ongoing health issues which are requiring more of my attention I find myself in a quandary. So much grief…so little time.

I am a verbal and visual person. I problem solve by talking about  issues, breaking them down by writing or speaking to gain insight.  Once I process it I let it go…and move on to the next issue.

As much as I went to Facebook kicking and screaming it has been a bit of a godsend. It ‘s often been my overflow valve when I needed to just vent something.  Yet  I feel it is really unfair to my husband and his escalating health issues to throw him under the bus by venting online about his problems.  So how do I cope?

First I have returned to writing more. I sat down the other day to write a ‘few thoughts’ about my father’s death and my unresolved feelings regarding the shortening surgeries of nearly 50 years ago. Eight pages, single spaced later… it felt good and cleansing. Sure there is still more in there to come out but it was a great start.

And by opening the door to writing again I was reminded of my drafts on the  ‘book of humor.’   The night following the celebration of my father’s 80th birthday I had a surreal experience otherwise known as the chocolate decadence birthday cake overdose. I was wide awake and hyped at 2 am so I got out of bed and began to write. I drafted 15 chapters for a book on humor. They’ve remained as drafts on the external drive for eight years now.  It seems this  might be a good time to reopen the files and finish that project.  Although seriously can a book on humor ever be finished?!

So writing, continuing to work out to build the most functional body I have resided in and getting back into the studio where the colors are patiently waiting to embrace me once more will be my best medicine. Oh and chocolate…in small doses.

 

behind the scenes…

Monday, November 5th, 2012

Today I went to a memorial disguised as a birthday party for an artist friend who died last month. She would have been 65 today. Judy was a wonderful pen/ink and watercolor artist, with all of her work being of animals. She was an exceptional equestrian and much of her work reflective of that.

One of the best parts of the event at the local art center was visiting with fellow artists. When one asked what is new with me and my art I took pause. I started to recant about how I am still recovering from my 2nd knee replacement in one year (cue the violins) when I suddenly changed course.

I remembered that while I am not actively making art at this moment due to surgery rehabilitation and the recent loss of my father, good things are happening for me and my art.  The recollection was actually quite wonderful, a bit of cheer in my otherwise tedious journey of knee rehabilitation!

In the past two weeks my work was juried into Earth Stories, of which I posted last time. This is an exhibit of international artists which will travel for 3 years. Additionally I have landed a month-long solo exhibit of my work next April in Sausalito and I started an art group!

For years I have wanted to commune with other mid-career artists as a resource for support and growth. I was for a short time in a wonderful crit group but left as I was the most accomplished by far and there was nothing for me to learn. There has to be something in it for me!

Recently I spoke to a friend who is a sculptor and she was interested so I got on it. I invited women to join me whose work I love, and/or who I want to get to know better and who have websites, exhibition history and experience…the sculptor, a photographer, a painter, a brass artist and mixed media artists.  All accepted so we are off and running mid-month in what I hope will become a monthly habit. The best part is they all are as excited as I am. Apparently there are many reclusive artists who also crave this connection with like minded souls.

So really while I have been hanging back, going to physical therapy and the gym, and spending unknown quantity of hours of the internet much has happened with my art! All really good news…

 

anything worth doing…

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

Probably the only thing worse than seeing an elder relative when we look in the mirror is hearing our parents’ voice in our head!  Today I heard my father’s wisdom which he got either from his Bible Belt upbringing or Dale Carnegie… anything worth doing is worth doing well. Gad I hated hearing that when I was a kid and really at the time thought it was something that would apply only in that moment. I never considered that I might someday be older than he was then as he droned on about doing things well!

The past two days I have been working on the cartoon for a new piece for an upcoming exhibit.  Since it is an abstract landscape I sketched and colored the cartoon, enlarged it to fit the size requirement and then some, traced onto acetate, measured the freezer paper and taped together sections to also meet the size requirement, slapped the acetate on the over-head projector, turned on the TV to entertain me while I traced the template and prepared myself to stand solidly on my new knee with bare feet for a good 10-15 minutes to trace. Ah progress…

I was about 1/2 way into it and stood back to look at the design and it was all wonky. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it so I looked at the projector and somehow I had slapped that acetate puppy on the surface backwards. Not just backwards… but upside down and backwards!  By now my knee is beginning to serve notice that it is tired but I decided to press on and continue tracing it considering that during construction I would simply remember to turn the pieces upside down and backwards! OK, right.

And then Dad spoke…anything worth doing is worth doing well. OK Dad, I know but I really don’t want to re-do this!  I don’t think there is enough paper left on the roll for me to do it. I don’t want to change my clothes and drive to the store to get more freezer paper to re-do it. I could just trace it again on the back side of the paper (and again remember to turn it over).  Notice how I am now bargaining with the old boy!

And then I remembered. Why on Earth would I want to make something more difficult for me than it already is?  I am basically an undiagnosed dyslexic person. I don’t need more confusion in this picture. And that is when I pulled the box of freezer paper off the shelf, cut a new proper sized piece, taped it together, took down the old one, pinned up the new one, flipped and rotated the acetate to draw it correctly.

He’s been gone just over three months but lives on through these important life lessons. Thanks, Dad!